WELL. Last night was one of those nights that I never though I’d have again. The crazy level was low, but the fact that I hadn’t been drunk in over a year and then I got drunk incredibly fast was pretty crazy on my end. I don’t regret it. In fact, I am going to another party next weekend. I’m revolting… finally. Because the reason I didn’t drink in so long was for simply for the fact that I was head over heels in love with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and it kills me every single fucking day. But.. he had been lying anyways because… well he lies about everything. But he lied about not drinking and shit. So I finally did last night and it felt great!

No regrets. Hell, I don’t even feel hungover today. But last night did make me realize that I’ve made some amazing new friends this year. I’m liking my rebel side. It’s helping me move on from a lot of things.

Minus the fact that last night all I dreamt about was him. Horrible things. Mean things that he was doing to me. But then in the end.. I always want him back. It’s fucked up. 

But I really need to find a way to end this cycle. It’s just when I don’t have the person that’s been in my life on and off for over five years, things feel weird. I don’t feel right all the time. It’s so hard. I hate feeling like this. I act like I’m fine with it, but really I’m just a fucking mess. Still. After five months I’m still hurt.

I don’t know if I will ever get over this. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t know that he already was. He wants nothing to do with me. Like I did something so wrong. I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I am never letting it happen again. He always does this bullshit. 

From now I, I’m living for me. I have no regrets and I’m not going to let any man, person —- anything get in my head anymore. Because that’s bullshit. Please, if you are actually reading this.. try to learn from this. Don’t fall for the wrong person because it is impossible to let them go.